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4 min readMay 31, 2021

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After being in the lab for about a year, V and I met for a weekly talk. I’ve grown to love these conversations. V is not like the scientists I know. He was gentle and deeply concerned with people and his clinical obligations, and he often confessed to me that he himself aspired to be a neurosurgeon. I’ve learned that science is just as political, competitive, and fierce as any other profession you’ll see, full of temptations to make people look for easy paths. Dachshund a woman cannot survive on books alone poster When I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I began to see the world through two lenses; I began to see death as both a doctor and a patient. As a doctor, I know I won’t say “Cancer is a battle I have to win!” often ask, “Why me?” (Answer: Why not me?) I know a lot about healthcare, its complications, and treatment algorithms. Her doctor and self-study found that stage IV lung cancer recently was a disease whose story could change dramatically, much like AIDS in the late 1980s: Still a fast-killing disease. But this is the first time in history that emerging therapies can provide years of survival.

Dachshund a woman cannot survive on books alone poster

In physical therapy, I didn’t even lift weights, I just lifted my legs. Exhausted and humiliated. My brain is fine but I don’t feel like me anymore. My body was fragile and frail — the person who could run half a marathon is now a thing of the past — and that too, shaped the term’s identity. Aching back pain can create the face of the term; Exhaustion and nausea are also possible. Karen, my physical therapist, asked what my goals were. I choose two things: cycling and running. In this frail state, determination rose. Day after day I maintain it and every little increase in health can expand into new airspaces, a capable version of me. I started adding in lifts, weights, and training minutes, pushing myself to the point of vomiting. After two months, I could sit for up to thirty minutes without getting tired. I can go out to dinner with friends again. Dachshund a woman cannot survive on books alone poster I limited myself to surgeries, leaving management, patient care, night and weekend calls to Victoria and other experienced residents. I’ve already mastered those skills anyway, I just need to learn more complex nuances of surgery to feel complete. I ended the day in endless exhaustion, my muscles aching, my health slowly improving. The truth is that there is no joy at all. The inner pleasure that once appeared in the surgeries suddenly disappeared, replaced by an iron focus to overcome nausea, pain and fatigue. Returning home every night, I gulped down a handful of pain relievers before crawling into bed next to Lucy, now back to her schedule. Lucy is pregnant in the first trimester, baby is due in June, at which time I will also finish residency. We kept the photo when the baby was just a blastocyst, taken just before it was implanted in the womb. (“Daughters have your membranes,” I remarked to Lucy.) Even so, I was determined to restore my life back to its former trajectory.

There will always be a gap between these core passions and scientific theory. No system of thought can contain the fullness of human experience. The field of metaphysics is still the field of discovery (after all, what Ockham is referring to is this, not atheism). And atheism is justified only on these grounds. The first atheist at the time was Graham Greene’s fortress commander in Power and Glory, whose atheism stemmed from the revelation of God’s nonexistence. The only true atheism must be based on the vision of creating the world. None of the atheists’ favorite quotes from the Nobel Prize-winning French biologist Jacques Monod capture this illuminating aspect: “The ancient covenant splits into pieces; man finally understands that he is alone in the involuntary immensity of the universe, in which the appearance of man is a mere coincidence.” Dachshund a woman cannot survive on books alone poster I needed fluids to prevent dehydration so Lucy took me to the ER for rehydration. Diarrhea is followed by vomiting episodes. Brad and I, a resident physician, chatted in a friendly manner. I listed my treatment history, listed all the medications, and then we ended up discussing cutting-edge molecular therapies, especially Tarceva, which I’m still taking. The treatment is quite simple: I will be given fluids to stay hydrated until I can take it by mouth on my own. That night, I was hospitalized. When the nurse reviewed the medication list, I realized there was no Tarceva. I suggest you call the resident to fix it. This still happens often. I had to take a dozen drugs. Keeping track of them is not easy.

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